Sakura's Adventures in Meat Products
by don't eat no biscuit
Summary: You marry the boy, you marry his mother. For her, it's more "you date the boy, you date the herd of killer ninja tracking hounds". Oneshot, humor, fluffy at times, KakaSaku.


Weeks ago, Sakura had made it her priority to garner the affections of the ninken. She had been acquainted with them since she was a genin, but only recently had their interactions become so frequent, or, for that matter, so important. And despite her youth's recollection of them being happy-go-lucky little tracker-fuzzbags, it had seemed that they had united themselves against her when they realized that she might become a permanent fixture in the pack— alpha female, she had snorted.

At first she thought they were just being bashful—after all, Kakashi had raised them all since they were puppies, after the death of his Inuzuka teammate. They were unused to the idea of sharing him.

So she forged on patiently, hoping to quietly gain their confidence. The rewards would be great, she thought, when she had successfully inserted herself into Kakashi's life without disruption and when she had eight happy-go-lucky little tracker-fuzzbag friends to show for it. After all, despite their affirmations to the contrary, they were pretty much adorable.

The real problems began when the dogs visited Sakura's apartment. Almost immediately upon entering, Pakkun inhaled deeply, panted, and declared disgustedly, "It smells like girl in here." Turning to her and giving her the nastiest non-human look she'd ever seen, he clarified, "HUMAN girl."

Sakura rolled her eyes. As though she had assumed he detected female hedgehogs or female parakeets. Turning to Kakashi, she batted her eyelashes sarcastically. "Well, it does," he conceded sheepishly. "You don't hear me complaining." He smiled, closing his visible eye.

These little jibes continued for weeks, slowly progressing into lighthearted practical jokes. These increased in frequency and size once Kakashi finally moved in. Sakura laughed them off, hoping that her appreciation of these pranks would ingratiate herself to them. But it began to grate on her nerves, and when Uhei commandeered her bedsheets to be used as tug-of-war fodder, Sakura brought it to Kakashi's attention.

"They're sometimes stupid like that," he said, rubbing his shoulder. "I'm sure they didn't mean anything by it. Things will calm down soon, once they get used to this." He had distracted her from further thought on the subject (through devious means, of course) shortly thereafter.

And when Shiba and Guruko appeared at her doorstep with a flank of some sort of bloody meat hunk, Sakura thought that maybe they had done just that.

Years ago, her grandmother's cat had left pound upon pound of dead rodents, snakes and birds on her doorstep. "He means to tell you he loves you," Granny had insisted, holding her nose. "To him, you're a big baldy cat who can't hunt for herself, so he brings you the rat—now, get the garden trowel and get that wretched thing out of here."

Obviously the thing itself was horrific; she had no idea as to how to dispose of this rotting mass of flesh, much less the slimy, bloody streaks it had left on the path to her door—but the thought was what mattered, she thought, gritting her teeth.

"Hi, Sakura! Hi, Sakura!" yowled Shiba as she opened the door. "We broughtcha this, look what we got, Sakura!"

"Hi, guys!" Sakura said brightly, rubbing her hands on her skirt and trying in vain to mask her horror. "Wow."

"We brought you this," Guruko reiterated, tail wagging.

"Wow." Sakura repeated. Did Kakashi really let them go hunt down random animals when they weren't busy? Or bring back the products of these ventures? She blinked at it.

Shiba's tail stopped wagging. "Aren't you going to...?"

Oh no, Sakura thought.

"Aren't you going to eat it?" said Guruko. Shiba looked hurt, whining almost inaudibly.

Oh dear God. Here was 25% of the ninken making a genuine offering of affection and goodwill, she couldn't possibly let this backfire now, Sakura thought. And unlike her granny's cat, there was no easy way of deceiving ninja tracking dogs.

"Suck it up, woman," Inner Sakura barked. "You've dissected a human cadaver before; you can pick up some goddamn flank of meat and deal with it,"

Before her very own eyes, Sakura's hands moved to pick up the meat. It was soft, heavy and lukewarm—the smell of putrefaction stung Sakura's nose and made her eyes water. "Of course," she choked out. "Thank you guys so much!"

"Great, Sakura!" enthused Shiba. "Bye, Sakura!" The pair trotted away happily. She watched them disappear around the corner.

"Oh dear God," Sakura moaned. She lifted the flank and frantically looked for somewhere to place it, finally dropping it unceremoniously into the sink. She ran to the bathroom and scrubbed her hands and arms as though preparing for surgery, then donned a pair of medical-grade gloves. She would have to chop it up to allow for easier transportation and to avoid detection, put it in plastic bags—it was like disposing of a body. She could mask the stains—the scent? with chakra, couldn't she? Oh, God. She returned to the kitchen.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to her, Shiba and Guruko had joined their six comrades who were positioned at the back window of Sakura's kitchen to enjoy what was developing into quite a show. Bull sat in front of the window, the others on his back, partially obscured by the carefully manicured hedges they were standing in.

"How'd it go?" asked Pakkun.

"She completely believed me," Shiba wheezed, out of breath from giggling. "You shoulda seen it, Pakkun, I said 'aren't you gonna...' all sad-like and she was just staring—" he trailed off, overcome by laughter.

"I can't believe it. She actually believes we'd do something like that—some stupid thing civilian pets would do. We freaking talk, we know humans don't actually appreciate that shit," Pakkun brooded.

The group went completely silent as Sakura re-entered their line of vision, brandishing the largest kitchen knife in the house. They watched, awestruck, as Sakura began to chop up the meat.

"Holy shit," Akino finally breathed. "Is she actually going to eat it...? That's dedication."

"No way," said Uhei. "She knows not to eat something like that. She should know even we wouldn't eat that, not after I pulled it through that mound of—"

"Then why is she cutting it up with a kitchen knife?" Bull argued. They were silent.

"We can't actually let her do it," blurted Shiba. "You want me to go stop her? I'll tell her we suddenly realized it was infected with mad cow disease or something—"

"No." Pakkun interrupted. "I'll tell her Naruto needs a medic but is coming her way rather than the hospital. She'll leave with me to go find him, and then you guys sneak in and get it out of there. Say you couldn't resist, or something equally asinine, it doesn't matter."

"But Naruto's not hurt," Urushi whined. "What if the boss finds out? Isn't he coming back, like, now?"

"What if I find out what?" said Kakashi, who had come home to find all eight of his summons crouched around his girlfriend's kitchen window like stalkers. Seeing the dogs' guilty, startled fidgeting and stammering, he crouched to look into the window.

Sakura was butchering what appeared to be a large slab of what was once meat. It now resembled a mass of zombie flesh, or half a pig that a dog had dragged through a pile of lawn trimmings.

Kakashi paused. He stared for a moment at his ninken. Blinking, he turned his head to Sakura, staring again. Without a word, he walked to the other side of the building, approaching the front door.

Sakura looked up momentarily as Kakashi walked in the front door. "Yo."

"Hey," she said.

"So..." Kakashi said, his hands raised slightly as though to defend himself from a madman, "whatcha doing?"

"I am..."-Sakura gestured with the knife—"disposing of the meal your boys brought me not fifteen minutes ago."

Meal? Kakashi thought. Ah, Christ.

"I don't think they actually meant it to be eaten," Kakashi volunteered.

"What do you mean? They showed up at the door with this giant hunk of mystery meat, and then when I didn't know just how to respond Shiba—" Sakura began, then trailed off.

"Yeah, I think they were having a little fun with you," Kakashi motioned towards the back window, where eight dogs' heads' suddenly disappeared. He smiled, brows raised. "You didn't suspect something was up when talking ninja hounds brought you a snack of raw—rotting—meat?... Pakkun uses the same brand of shampoo as you."

Sakura grimaced. They had succeeded once again in making a fool of her. "I didn't want to disappoint them. Especially Shiba, he was so happy..." Her eyes started to water and redden. 'Why do they hate me so much? It wasn't like this when I was little. What the hell did I do?"

Kakashi glared out the window. Now they'd done it. "If it helps, I overheard them plotting to get it back before—oh, they actually did think you were going to eat it. They were going to get it back before then. Although they were going to lure you out of the house by telling you Naruto had been horrifically maimed."

She snorted. "No, I mean... They obviously have a problem with the principle of me. They don't want to share you. I'm okay with sharing you." she said shakily. She put down the knife and removed the gloves, walking back to the bedroom.

"Would you idiots," Kakashi growled, leaning out of the window, "please remove this carcass and clean up the goddamn kitchen?" He followed Sakura down the hall.

"I can't get in between you guys," she said, a note of fervor in her voice. "It's not fair to anybody."

"Shhh," Kakashi murmured, holding her by the waist. "Relax. They'll calm down soon."

"I don't think they will, though!" Sakura cried softly. "Why would they embarrass me like that?"

"I'm going to go see what happened." he said, reasoning, trailing light kisses down her jaw line. "In the meantime, would you please calm the hell down? Everything's fine. Although you might want to wash your hands."

She laughed grudgingly, sniffling, as he left.

"What's the problem here?" Kakashi asked sharply. "She didn't appreciate the little stunt you pulled, but she's not the one you have to worry about." His expression soured further. "Now I've watched her do nothing but humor you for the past month, and I still don't quite understand what your initial problem with her was. Care to explain?"

There was silence.

"I don't have any problem with her," Guruko volunteered.

"Me neither," said Bull.

"Yeah, yeah, me too, boss," said Shiba. "I just did what Pakk—" he stopped, seeing Pakkun blink his heavy lids at him.

This did not escape Kakashi. "I see," he started. "Who came up with the ideas for these jokes?" he continued.

No one moved, and yet now all eyes were on Pakkun.

"I see." Kakashi stretched. "Go wait near the door. Pakkun, stay with me for a second."

Once the others had safely retreated, Kakashi sat down next to Pakkun. He scratched him behind his left ear. "You can't keep doing this, you know. Sakura aside, it's not fair to tell the others that these are funny; they don't know much better when it comes to people. You're breaking Sakura's heart," he added.

"Look, boss—" Pakkun paused, "-ever since you were a pup you've been telling me that you shouldn't be joining packs with humans involved. Way I see it, I'm just protecting you from being led around like a cat in heat. No, worse than that, because when you act like a cat in heat at least it's over quickly. Sakura... you're just following her around like a pup."

Taking a moment to savor this eloquent analogy, Kakashi paused. He looked away for a minute, still scratching Pakkun's head. "It's not like that this time," he said. "And why don't you let me worry about which packs I join?"

"I'm not going to let you mess yourself up. Or her." Pakkun replied. "I don't have anything against her, she's a good kid. But boss, I've been around you too long to think this is going somewhere good."

That hurt, Kakashi thought. For a year now he'd told himself that he could be right—or at least tolerable—for Sakura. But he'd always thought that at the end of the day, an old man with a surfeit of killing as a ruthless ANBU couldn't take care of a smart young medic the way she would need. He had learned not to voice this thought around Sakura, who wouldn't accept such nonsense. But that didn't stop him from thinking it.

"Listen," said Kakashi, facing Pakkun. "She's going to be around a long time. As long as I can manage to keep her," he smiled weakly. "And if I mess something up, you're going to have to trust me to fix it." He looked away again. "And I know how this will work. You'll make her miserable with the way you're treating her, because all she wants is for you to like her. But she'll put up with it, because she still likes you." Another weak smile. "And I'm pretty sure she likes me too."

Pakkun stood, arching his back. "I'll stop bothering her," he said. "But I'm not convinced you can do it, boss. And I'm still going to be looking out for you."

"I'm not sure I can do it either," Kakashi admitted. "Thanks." He rubbed his ears one more time, and they walked home.

Relieved to see that their leader remained un-Raikiri-ed, the ninken perked up as Kakashi and Pakkun approached. "You should apologize to Sakura now," Kakashi suggested. He walked into the apartment. After a few exchanged glances, the dogs followed.

Sakura lay face-down on the living room floor, medical texts and a notebook in front of her. Kakashi joined her, pulling out a neon-green copy of Icha Icha Springtime. It wasn't his favorite, he thought. He wondered where the now-60something (!) author was getting his inspiration from, gazing at its bright orange title.

"Hey," Sakura whispered.

"I took care of it," he mumbled into her neck. "They didn't mean anything by it. Honestly. And these little pranks are going to stop now, I think."

Suddenly, Shiba jumped onto the back of Sakura's upper leg. He paced in a circle and draped himself across her calves. Surprised and ticklish, she laughed. The other dogs joined him, spreading themselves out across Kakashi and Sakura as though they were mere body pillows. Pakkun nudged her hand open with his wet nose, shimmied his head and neck under her hand, and laid with his head on his paws.

"What did you do?" she asked Kakashi in wonder. He shrugged, secretly delighting in the smile she hid by biting her lower lip.

She said nothing after that, absentmindedly petting Pakkun's soft ears. It had begun to rain again outside. Perhaps this was a success after all.

**A/N: If you liked this, check out my other KakaSaku fic, "The Lord of the Rings". It's got over 9000% more senbons, vomit, drunken jounins and spazzy Kakashi!**


End file.
